go tell it to the mountain

I’d quite like to blow up a mountain. It wouldn’t have to be a big one, but I’d like to blow the top clean off. I know why this is and can only assume yesterday’s news is a sign that Kim Il Sun shares my taste in puddings.

There used to a chocolate sauce ice cream topping that I particularly liked. I forget the name but it came in a mountain shaped bottle. when you poured it on your icecream it harded, so it was sort of like an chocolate ice-cap peak to your ice-cream mountain. After patiently letting it set, you could then smash it with the back of your spoon and it would satisfyingly crack and fracture it delightfully crunchy lumps. (To make it even better they did a orange chocolate version.. mmm!)

And I can’t remember but I’m fairly sure their advertising consisted of mountains and avalances. Grow up eating that and you want to knock down mountains, at the very least you like to start a few avalances yourself.

some guys holiday photo, he tried to stop me stealing

Personally, I’d like to go further and blow their heads clean off. I get additional antipathy to mountain-caps comes from a dislike of the Matterhorn. We all know the Matterhorn, it is an instantly recognisable and archetypal mountain, looking well mountain-shaped and standing head and shoulders above it’s brothers. I used to think it was cool after all we’ve got nothing like that in Britain, just a few big hills.

When I first went skiing I was looking forward to seeing lots of mountains like this, but you know what? The Alps and the Pyrennees are not as simple as that all the mountains are piled up on top of each other. It hard to see where one ends and another begins. It disturbed me that it wasn’t as simple as my chocolate box image of a single toblerone perfection.. so I came to resent the Matterhorn, sitting smug and brand-image. I’d love to wipe the smile off it’s face.

Stand up next to a mountain,
Knock it down with the side of my hand

I reckon that is what Kim Il Sung was thinking too, he wanted to blow up a mountain too. The difference being that he had just realised he could actually do it, as the supreme leader for life of North Korea all he has to do is tell someone to blow up a mountain and it’s as good as done. He says boom and they say how high?

I’m sure given the choice he’d have gone for the Matterhorn too but what with the awkward precendent that might be caused by the 2nd least loved nation in the land destroying the national symbol of the most aggressively neutral. Not that they don’t deserve it. they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

But I assume his aides talked him out it, assuaging his thirst for dis-mountaineering with tales of a likely target in the bad lands of his borderlands. He was convinced, a big hole was filled with ACME TNT, and everybody put their fingers in their ears. They didn’t it in the middle of the night, which must have looked doubly cool and Kim was well pleased with them.

Then the world got unreasonable, came knocking on the door demanding what the racket was. The Koreans was all a bit punch drunk, their ears still ringing and smiles plastered wide on their faces.. Thinking quickly one of them came up with the ‘hydroelectric power station’ line.Even I can see through that I have only my GCSE Geography to go on but as I remember one builds hydro-electric power stations in valleys rather than in mountains.

It all about ice-cream, I tell you.

About caspar

Caspar is just one monkey among billions. Battering his keyboard without expectations even of peanuts, let alone of aping the Immortal Bard. By day he is an infantologist at Birkbeck Babylab, by night he runs BabyLaughter.net
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