The Apollo XI crew

The Bladder

MoonFace

Murdering Michael Collins

Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin Jr.

Neil A. Armstrong

Michael Collins

 

Michael Collins reminisces..

Look at Neil, doesn't he look gormless? Neil 'Moonface' Armstrong, that's what we used to call him. Can you believe that they let him be in charge? He was so pleased with himself, the power went straight to his stupid round head, in training he was always making us do jobs for him "Michael, can you make me some iced tea?", "Buzz, will you clean my spaceman boots?" If we said no, it would always be the same "Do you want to go to space or not? .. Do you?" What could we do?
Back in the old country we had lots of words for people like Armstrong, "Smug arsehole", "Bogbrain", "Person most likely to lose their kneecaps."
He was childish too. All the way to moon, it was "Buzz, are YOU looking forward to walking on the moon?", and "Michael, YOU can tidy the Colombia Orbiter while WE are on the moon." I tell you, if Buzz hadn't gone down there too, I'd have turned that tincan straight back round and left Moonface down there on his beloved moon. See how long the fucking moonfaced half-wit would have been taking giant fucking leaps with no fucking OXYGEN. The cunt.

On the other hand, I have nothing but respect for Buzz. Buzz Aldrin is a handsome man. A man's man.

 

Buzz recalls...

I remember very little about the trip, in all the excitement to get ready I forgot to go to the washroom. As soon as they strapped us in and closed the hatch I realised that I could probably do with a visit to the little boy's room (or LBR to use the standard NASA terminology, (Or SNT,as we would say in NASA.)) There wasn't a lot I could do, and it wasn't too bad at that point, so I thought 'oh well.' The exhilaration of the take-off took my mind off it to some extent though the g-forces squashing my bladder didn't help.

Once we were in orbit round the earth, the combination of zero-G and all those damn coffee pills soon had me TAKII (tying a knot in it). It is very hard to concentrate when you need to go as badly as I did, I barely noticed the grandeur and majesty of our small planet seen from space, in fact I just rocked desperately back and forth in my space chair and kept asking Mickey if we were there.

Then when we finally did reach the moon, Armstrong knew I was absolutely bursting, but he insisted on doing all the coreographed slow motion melodrama that NASA had rehearsed. I was kicking him down that ladder but he just played it straight out of the NASA publicity handbook (NPH), I haven't spoken to him since. I tell you getting behind that rock and letting loose was a bigger thrill than landing, I was walking on the moon, so to speak.

 

Moonface Armstrong retells his incredible story, yet again...

"I was the first man on the moon! Me. Neil Aldin Armstrong, I went to space and I landed my space plane on the moon, the real moon, like you see up in the sky. Me, Neil Armstrong, I did it! Then, when we had got to the moon, I went out of our spaceship and down the ladder onto the ground. As I did it I said my famous words, "It's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." That was my own idea, not what Edwin told me to say which was "This is me Neil Armstrong, I'm on the moon." and anyone who says not, is a liar.. Anyway, I was first.

And Michael Collins didn't walk on the moon at all.

The NASA men said he had an attitude problem. On the moon I used to joke to Edwin "I bet Mad Mickey Collins is mad he's not here on the moon with us!", I didn't tell my joke to Michael, he has no sense of humour, in fact he was quite scary.

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