Where be Dragons?



Here be Dragons?

Alas no! I wanted dragons but when we phoned up to order some the man in Harrod’s pet department was helpful at first; “Not at the moment”, ” `spectin some in on Tuesday”,” what colour d’you have in mind?” Back and forth for five minutes, all very vague “Well, how big did you want?”, “Breath fire? oh yes! Bound to!”, “They are expensive, you know, Can you afford one?”
As time wore on, with no Dragons on the horizon, I became suspicious. I am not ‘unconnected’, so that evening myself and a couple of heavily-built associates briefly detained the unhelpful pet vendor to question him more thoroughly. It turns out that Dragons are unobtainable for love nor money. (Though, I have both in abundance.) And sad though it is it admit defeat, I concede that if Harrod’s cannot get them, then surely they are unavailable.

Exit the Dragon?

This set me thinking; In years gone by Dragons where everywhere, today they are gone, There is not one, dead or alive, anywhere on Earth, not even in the vaults of the British Museum (that closing scene in ‘Raiders’ is closer to the truth than you might imagine.) Fortunately, the excellent libraries of our second greatest university revealed an inkling of the awful truth. Further judicious research and several pointed questions in the House leave me convinced that dark forces are afoot. Now the TRUTH CAN BE TOLD. More! the TRUTH MUST BE TOLD….

‘THEY’ hate Dragons.

It is not every day I discover a global conspiracy.* But this time there can be no doubt, the governments of the world are seeking to banish Dragons. Vast sums are seemingly wasted on pointless exploration of the outer solar system, the depths of the oceans and the surfaces of other planets. The thousands of ‘weather’ satellites cluttering our skies and yet forecasts are no more accurate. The true purpose of these diverse extravagancies is more pernicious; A constant vigil on the terrestrial surface and their aim; Dragon Eradication.
Dragons only ever live in uncharted territories. By their overzealous cartography, those in power deny them this one thing. It can only be deliberate. Such obsessive mapmaking does not serve the needs of the peoples of the world, the height of Everest to the nearest millimeter will not end the oppression of nearby Tibet. Being able to individually number the waves on the Altantic will not stop famines in Africa. These things are done to leave no gaps, no holes in our dominion overlooked where Dragons could lurk.
The unprecedented extent of their victory is the reason that there are no dragons.

(Why do politicians fear Dragons? That is another story…)

* Indeed, after a brush with death while trying to prove my theory that electricity companies and fridge manufacturers where conspiring to increase our electricity bills by leaving those little lights on when the door was closed, I had become a little dispirited in my quest for the truth.

Tuesday, 2nd June 1998