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Deists desist!

God knows I pay Don and the boys too much but it is worth it. Every time there is a knock at the door I give a little prayer of thanks to the security team, because I know it will be someone I want to see, not some door-to-door skypilot or some God-botherer bothering me. My doormen are in the gatehouse twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and I pay 'em double on religious holidays! They work tirelessly to keep out the hordes of Mormons, Jehovian Witnesses and other morons who roam the streets of my parish.

The way I see it, I am being cruel to be kind. It saves time and karma on all sides. I have had enough of the flimsy arguments of the evangelicals, their feeble pleading and beseeching, seeking my membership for their church, chapel or sub-sect thereof, but I do not wish to be unkind. They are happy in their delusion and I have no illusions that rational debate will deprogram them. So I have given up on the confrontation and nowadays politely shake differences' as my reason for not 'sparing a few minutes'. Cease your bleating in my ear, I am not interested; I do not want to hear. I am getting old and not exactly being a candidate for eternal life after death, I feel my time is too precious to waste.

Don't get me wrong, my mind unlike my door remains open. Within reason. As the idiocy of relativists prove, if your mind is too open your brain falls out, spludge to the solid ground beneath your feet, whence the relativist finds its solidity is more than just a preconception of western prejudice. The claims of scientists are more valid than those of your friendly neighbourhood witchdoctor. But I digress…

We will prey for you!

At university earnest members of the Christian Militia often pestered me. (I must have one of those faces.) Always eager for fresh blood engaging in a little innocent chit-chat before somehow or other always bringing the topic round to Jesus (not so difficult: after all he is supposed to be everywhere!) A nod, a grin or anything less than an outright "FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!" and they would be off. Telling you about how fantastic Jesus is and all the fun you have when he's your friend.

A helpful aside: I understand how it is when you have such amazing news that you just want to share it with everyone. It was like that when I won the lottery, I wanted to tell every one, (it was a roll-over after all) but I kept it to myself… and ultimately that was far more rewarding!

Jesus loves me (but he hates you)

I found their youthful enthusiasm for smiling stupidly, singing songs and CS Lewis highly unappetising. We had nothing in common; their idea of heaven was my idea of hell, and there was always that small point that I did not believe in God. But I egged them on anyway.

I took a childish delight in forcing them to admit to me that they thought I was going to hell…these happy clappy moonfaced loons who wanted to be my friends were backed into admitting that I was going to burn in hell. Otherwise nice people, who more than anything wanted to share they joy they felt, to love me like they claimed Jesus does, were forced at the same time to conceded that he doesn't like me that much after all.

It is easy to do. Butter them up a bit then innocently ask the familiar child's question "If I live a good life but do not believe in God, can I still go to Heaven?"

There are two responses

a. Yes - whence you reply 'Fantastic! No point wasting time in church then!', finish your drink and skip off happily to find your real friends.

or

b. No (it will be b, trust me!) - whereupon you wind them up further. Gleefully wondering aloud if theirs really is a God of Love, and if so it is hardly Infinite Love or Infinite Mercy. Why if Jesus died for my sins can I not go on committing them? Why does an eternity of pleasure or pain get allocated on the evidence of the blip of three score years and ten? By the end of your evening they WILL hate you!

99 to 1

Wouldn't you have thought that eternal life is sufficient reward for the faithful? Not happy with the flock you already have, you always want more. For some highly irrational reason there is more joy in heaven over the one repenting sinner than the 99 good Christians. (Look it up, it's in The Book and being so, of course it must be true.)

And what was my sin exactly? It seems I could lead an exemplary life but if my omission is not to be sufficiently grateful by not worshipping God (or not in the appropriate fashion) then, it appears, choosing not to believe is sufficient grounds of Eternal damnation. If those ARE the rules then I would prefer not to keep the company of such a petty deity. (God's love appears to be far from unconditional.)

Besides if Big G. does get more delight from repenting sinners then the more I sin now the greater the delight will be if I ever really repent. (There must have been angels dancing in the ethereal aisles when Jeffery Dahmer & Jonathan Aitken joined the throng. How sad that Hitler & Stalin went unrepentant to their deathbeds.)

As an optimist with nothing to look forward to but the heat death of the universe I am disinclined to preach to anyone. But while we are all sitting here on this small slimy stone spinning through space we might as well try to be polite to one and other. Let us rock and let us roll but if you are going on to the heavenly after party, go it alone. Leave me behind; I would only hold you up. It is the journey that interests me, not the chimerical destination. I would be too inclined to dawdle along the way; pick up rocks, catch bugs, ask questions (& we know how much the evangelists hate that!)

So any evangelists out there; leave me alone, keep your Good News to yourself, restrain your pity; it will only rub vinegar in the wound. Forget about me, I am sure you have enough problems of your own.

Thursday, 1st August 2002

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