God knows I pay Don and the boys too much but it is worth it. Every
time there is a knock at the door I give a little prayer of thanks
to the security team, because I know it will be someone I want to
see, not some door-to-door skypilot or some God-botherer bothering
me. My doormen are in the gatehouse twenty-four hours a day, seven
days a week and I pay 'em double on religious holidays! They work
tirelessly to keep out the hordes of Mormons, Jehovian Witnesses
and other morons who roam the streets of my parish.
The way I see it, I am being cruel to be kind. It saves time and
karma on all sides. I have had enough of the flimsy arguments of
the evangelicals, their feeble pleading and beseeching, seeking
my membership for their church, chapel or sub-sect thereof, but
I do not wish to be unkind. They are happy in their delusion and
I have no illusions that rational debate will deprogram them. So
I have given up on the confrontation and nowadays politely shake
differences' as my reason for not 'sparing a few minutes'. Cease
your bleating in my ear, I am not interested; I do not want to hear.
I am getting old and not exactly being a candidate for eternal life
after death, I feel my time is too precious to waste.
Don't get me wrong, my mind unlike my door remains open. Within
reason. As the idiocy of relativists prove, if your mind is too
open your brain falls out, spludge to the solid ground beneath your
feet, whence the relativist finds its solidity is more than just
a preconception of western prejudice. The claims of scientists are
more valid than those of your friendly neighbourhood witchdoctor.
But I digress…
We will prey for you!
At university earnest members of the Christian Militia often pestered
me. (I must have one of those faces.) Always eager for fresh blood
engaging in a little innocent chit-chat before somehow or other
always bringing the topic round to Jesus (not so difficult: after
all he is supposed to be everywhere!) A nod, a grin or anything
less than an outright "FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!" and they would be off.
Telling you about how fantastic Jesus is and all the fun you have
when he's your friend.
A helpful aside: I understand how it is when you have such amazing
news that you just want to share it with everyone. It was like that
when I won the lottery, I wanted to tell every one, (it was a roll-over
after all) but I kept it to myself… and ultimately that was far
more rewarding!
Jesus loves me (but he hates you)
I found their youthful enthusiasm for smiling stupidly, singing
songs and CS Lewis highly unappetising. We had nothing in common;
their idea of heaven was my idea of hell, and there was always that
small point that I did not believe in God. But I egged them on anyway.
I took a childish delight in forcing them to admit to me that they
thought I was going to hell…these happy clappy moonfaced loons who
wanted to be my friends were backed into admitting that I was going
to burn in hell. Otherwise nice people, who more than anything wanted
to share they joy they felt, to love me like they claimed Jesus
does, were forced at the same time to conceded that he doesn't like
me that much after all.
It is easy to do. Butter them up a bit then innocently ask the
familiar child's question "If I live a good life but do not believe
in God, can I still go to Heaven?"
There are two responses
a. Yes - whence you reply 'Fantastic! No point wasting time
in church then!', finish your drink and skip off happily to find
your real friends.
or
b. No (it will be b, trust me!) - whereupon you wind them
up further. Gleefully wondering aloud if theirs really is a God
of Love, and if so it is hardly Infinite Love or Infinite Mercy.
Why if Jesus died for my sins can I not go on committing them? Why
does an eternity of pleasure or pain get allocated on the evidence
of the blip of three score years and ten? By the end of your evening
they WILL hate you!
99 to 1
Wouldn't you have thought that eternal life is sufficient reward
for the faithful? Not happy with the flock you already have, you
always want more. For some highly irrational reason there is more
joy in heaven over the one repenting sinner than the 99 good Christians.
(Look it up, it's in The Book and being so, of course it must be
true.)
And what was my sin exactly? It seems I could lead an exemplary
life but if my omission is not to be sufficiently grateful by not
worshipping God (or not in the appropriate fashion) then, it appears,
choosing not to believe is sufficient grounds of Eternal damnation.
If those ARE the rules then I would prefer not to keep the company
of such a petty deity. (God's love appears to be far from unconditional.)
Besides if Big G. does get more delight from repenting sinners
then the more I sin now the greater the delight will be if I ever
really repent. (There must have been angels dancing in the ethereal
aisles when Jeffery Dahmer & Jonathan Aitken joined the throng.
How sad that Hitler & Stalin went unrepentant to their deathbeds.)
As an optimist with nothing to look forward to but the heat death
of the universe I am disinclined to preach to anyone. But while
we are all sitting here on this small slimy stone spinning through
space we might as well try to be polite to one and other. Let us
rock and let us roll but if you are going on to the heavenly after
party, go it alone. Leave me behind; I would only hold you up. It
is the journey that interests me, not the chimerical destination.
I would be too inclined to dawdle along the way; pick up rocks,
catch bugs, ask questions (& we know how much the evangelists hate
that!)
So any evangelists out there; leave me alone, keep your Good News
to yourself, restrain your pity; it will only rub vinegar in the
wound. Forget about me, I am sure you have enough problems of your
own.